Kill Illpalatzo: Vol 1
by Defectron
Summary: Parody of Kill Bill with Excel as the bride and Illpalatzo as Bill
1. 2, with a little circle drawn around it

Kill Illpalatzo: Vol 1  
  
Authors notes: Yes this is an excel saga parody of Kill Bill, one of my favorite movies. It just seemed like the obvious thing to do to me. If your wondering why I didn't cast Nabeshin as Hattori Hanzo, but Nabeshin will be playing Pai Mei in Kill Illpalatzo vol 2, I couldn't have him in two parts, besides there's the fish.. Hyatt will also be getting a part in vol 2.  
  
Here's the cast of vol 1  
  
The Bride: Excel  
  
Vernita Green: Will of the microcosm  
  
Vernita Greens daughter: Sandora  
  
Elle Driver: Kobayashi Excel  
  
Oren Ishii: Menchi  
  
Budd: Puchu  
  
Bill: Illpalatzo  
  
Go-Go Yubari: Sailor Kojet  
  
Pathetic guy that Go-Go stabs: pedophile scientists guy I forget the name of  
  
Hattori Hanzo: The guy with the ukelele who gives poemi her fish  
  
That guy who works in Hattori Hanzos bar: Poemi  
  
Johnny Moe: Ballsbovsky from hell (I think that's how his name was pronounced)  
  
Boss Matsumoto: That old man from the Menchi episodes  
  
Oren's dad: Wolf  
  
Oren's Mom: That girl dog who was with Wolf I forget the name of  
  
Boss Matsumotos henchman: Cheater  
  
The Crazy 88: Those bowling pin guys  
  
Sofie Fatalle: The girl that translates for Menchi in the end credits  
  
Yakuza bosses: Iwata, Sumiyoshi, Watanabe & Kabapu  
  
Boss Tanaka: Koshi Rikudo  
  
Buck: Alien # 1  
  
Truck driver who was with Buck: K-kun  
  
Chapter 1: 2 (with a little circle drawn around it)  
  
Flash back  
  
Excels lying on the floor with five assailants standing over her. For some reason everything got all black & white but right now Excel has bigger things to worry about then a change of scenery.  
  
Illpalatzo: Do you find me sadistic? On the contrary this is me at my most masochistic.. Oh who am I kidding, shooting you is almost as fun as dropping you through that trap door.  
  
Excel was about to say something about how she had his baby, but as usual her train of thought was interrupted by her hunger at the most inappropriate time. .  
  
Excel: Menchi!!!!.(As excel reached for the dog a loud bang from Illpalatzos gun rang out, the bullet hitting her head like a hubcap from Tanya Harding)  
  
After shooting Excel Illpalatzo pulls a rope and her body falls through a trap door in the floor slashing into the water below, cast off like ...so many used pieces of toilet paper..  
  
Illpalatzo: I'm going to miss doing that.  
  
Five years later  
  
A clunky looking UFO with the pink words "Unidentified flying pussy" painted on the side pulls up in front of a house somewhere in a green valley in South America. A mail box in front of the simple looking house has the name "Pedro" written on it in hiragana. Why someone in South America would write their name in hiragana on their mailbox would be anyone's guess. But this was definitely the house she was looking for.  
  
The door to the UFO opened up and out stepped a blond woman, it's excel (big surprise there!). She was dressed in an orange leather jacket, at her side that talking gun from the Puchu episode is cleverly concealed in a talking gun holster. Walking passed the mailbox Excel strode up to the door and pressed her finger on the doorbell.  
  
Great Will of the Microcosm who was in the middle of a phone call floated over to the door. She was expecting to see Pedro or her son .err I mean "daughter" Sandora. But instead she saw a face from the past. a face she never thought she would see again, the face of Excel which at the last moment she had seen it was wracked with hunger for dog meat but now the only thing she was hungry for was revenge! Served cold, the way klingons like it!  
  
Will was so distracted by the spaghetti western style flash back that occurred when their eyes met that she was unprepared for Excels punch that hit the center of her galaxy with the force of a pile driver sending her spiraling across the room and crashing into a shelf full off vases. Excel was about to hit her with an ax kick but Will parried and then caused one of her stars to go nova burning Excels foot. Using this distraction she flew upward upper cutting Excel sending her backwards over a table. Excel pulled out her talking gun.  
  
Talking gun: My name is Nanami!  
  
Using Nanami she fired a blast, Will quickly opened a black hole inside her body sucking up the blast and then flew into the kitchen. Excel fired another blast but will parried it with a butcher knife.  
  
"How did you do that?"  
  
"This is the great butcher knife of the microcosm!" Will flew foreword slashing. Excel grabbed the great frying pan of the microcosm parrying the butcher knife. With another slash Will cut her wrist and then knocked a shelf full of China on top of Excel. She was about to move in for the kill but Excel smashed her in the place where her face would have been with the frying pan of the microcosm knocking her over a table. Both of them got up, Excel with Nanami drawn and ready to fire and Will with her butcher knife of the microcosm, it was a standoff.  
  
"I'd say something like "Come and get some bitch" but I'm much to soft spoken to say that." Said Will  
  
"Yeah.. Well you'd better submit to the glorious Across and Illpalatzo sama!"  
  
"But you're the one trying to kill Illpalatzo and Across!"  
  
"Oh yeah I forgot, I could sure go for some dog meat."  
  
Before this incredibly dramatic sequence of dialogue could continue a little boy dressed in drag to look like Nikki opened the door. "Mom! What happened?" Excel and Will both quickly hid their weapons.  
  
Will quickly thought to come up with a good excuse "Uhhh.. That dog of yours ate my homework."  
  
"Yeah, I know, that's what I tell my teachers everyday but they don't believe me. But that's not what I was asking about. What happened to the room?" Sandora asked looking around at the mess.  
  
"Damn, I used the wrong excuse, in any case go to your room!"  
  
"But I."  
  
"Hey little girl, what's your name?" asked Excel.  
  
Sandora didn't answer.  
  
"BLEEP! Asked you a question."  
  
"Why did you just bleep out my name? Everyone knows my names is Exc-BLEEP! Whoever's making that noise will you stop that?"  
  
Sound effects guy: Sorry!  
  
"My names Sandora."  
  
"Ohoho! Don't listen to her, her names Nikia, Nikia go to your room!"  
  
"Nikia!" she snapped her fingers to get the point across.  
  
"But my names Sandora, why do I have to be a girl?"  
  
"Go to your room!" Sandora reluctantly left.  
  
"Wow you guys have issues!" Excel remarked.  
  
"You still take ten cups of sugar with your coffee?"  
  
"Yay sugar! Hail Illpalatzo!"  
  
"But you're trying to kill Illpalatzo!"  
  
"I know but still, Hail Illpalatzo!"  
  
They both walked into the kitchen, for some reason Excel began to narrate the scene out loud which caused Will to give her a funny look.  
  
"This South American home makers name is Great Will of the Microcosm, her husband is Pedro. But back when we were acquainted five years ago her name was GREAT WILL OF THE MICROCOSM! Her code name was Great Will of the Microcosm..Mine was Excel."  
  
As Excel finished narrating out loud Will slowly backed away from her. She never imagined that bullet to the head would make her externally narrate.  
  
"I suppose it's a little late for an apology."  
  
"You suppose right!" A large coffee stained clump of sugar fell from Excels cup as she said this hitting Microcosms clean floor and causing her to wince.  
  
"Listen! I'm a different galaxy now! If I could go back in a machine I would.."  
  
"Then why don't you, you're the great will of the microcosm so you can do that sort of thing."  
  
"Uhhhh.. Well.." Microcosm dodged the question with cat like reflexes that even Harry Potter himself would envy. "That's a secret!"  
  
"Well that explanation always works for Xellos so I guess I can buy that."  
  
"Never mind that, I want to know if you plan on starting any more shit around my baby girl!"  
  
"Isn't Sandora a boy?"  
  
"I'm the great Will of the microcosm, if I want a girl, I get a girl! You know what ticks me off, you always had the cooler codename, I should have been Excel, but no I'm Great Will of the Microcosm, If I wasn't so soft spoken I'd have just said I should have been fucking Excel, but since I'm so soft spoken I didn't say that."  
  
Now it was Excels turn to slowly back away "Well you kind of look like a Microcosm sort of person with the swirling stars & the black holes and quasars..I guess I wouldn't want to give him.I mean her anymore psychological scars then she already has so I won't kill you in front of Sandora.So when do you want to die?"  
  
"If I wasn't so soft-spoken I'd say something like "How about tonight bitch!" you can use that talking gun and I'll use the butcher knife of the microcosms!"  
  
"Sounds good to me! Got anymore sugar?"  
  
"Sure, let me get some for you.." Will reached inside the sugar jar and whipped out the small handgun of the microcosms! She fired a shot which Excel dodged and then hurled the coffee cup full of sugary mush at will. It hit her smack dab spilling sugary mush all over her stars. Excel drew Nanami and blasted Will right in the center of her galaxy. Will fell down dead as all her stars went nova. Excel turned to see Sandora looking into the kitchen with a shocked look on his face.  
  
"Uhhh.. This is kind of awkward, I didn't want to give you anymore psychological scars so I wasn't going to kill Will in front of you. But you can take it from me, that galaxy had it coming!" that didn't come out right at all, Sandora would have some serious issues if she didn't say something quick. "Uhhhh.. I like your dress!" that didn't come out right either! "You know dying isn't so bad, it's a lot like getting bitten by a rabid dog."  
  
After showering Wills Death with colorful euphemisms in front of her son/daughter Excel walked back out to the UFO. When she got inside she pulled out a clipboard with a piece of paper. Written on the piece of paper were the words "Death list five", Already crossed out was the name Menchi, code name Menchi. The next name Great Will of the Microcosm, code name Great Will of the Microcosm. She ran a black line through Wills name marking her off as the second on the list. There were only three more to go, Puchu, code name Puchu, Kobayashi Excel, Code name Kobayashi Excel and lastly Illpalatzo!  
  
To be continued in ch 2: The lactose intolerant bride 


	2. The lactose intolerant bride

Kill Illpalatzo: Vol 1  
  
Chapter 2: The lactose intolerant bride  
  
Authors notes: For those unfamiliar with minor characters the detective Pudding chan, the girl haunted by the ghost of her detective dad from the detective episode is the one who arrives on the crime scene in the flashback. Also Alien # 1 and K-kun are from the puni puni poemi excel saga spin off. Alien # 1 only speaks in gibberish.  
  
A short while after the massacre of Excels wedding.  
  
A girl in a detective suit and hat drove up to the church that the massacre took place in. "Hmmmm.. This could be it.. For the last forty years I've been trailing that bank robber, now I'll be able to put him away for good."  
  
As she walked inside she took a look around. The place was a bloodstained mess, it was as if the god of war and Ronald McDonald had a snowball fight in LA using raw hamburger! Bodies lay dead on the floor, puddles of blood everywhere, bits of brain on the wallpaper, and on the piano too, gumming up the keys like the arteries of so many overweight Americans!  
  
She walked over to one man who had clearly been beheaded by a katana. "Hmmmm"  
  
"Detective! What do you make of this?" asked the sheriff  
  
"It's not him! It's not the guy I've been after for forty long years!" Pudding chan began to cry.  
  
"I'm not sure I follow this."  
  
"Clearly this isn't an act of homicide, all these people were just clumsy and had accidents! This man who was beheaded, notice that he's next to a table, some of his blood is on the table. Clearly he tripped over his own foot and his neck hit the blunt edge of the table instantly decapitating him!"  
  
"Wow! You detectives sure are smart! I never would have thought of that!"  
  
"And this fellow over here, it's obvious that he slipped in that pool of blood and landed on these bullets."  
  
"But if all these are accidents, how come they happened in the same place?"  
  
"Accidents are contagious, just like yawns."  
  
"Wow I didn't know that, I'd better be more careful around people who have accidents."  
  
"Hey sheriff, I forgot to go to the bathroom before we left and I think I had an accident!"  
  
"Stay away from me!" the sheriff backed away from his deputy in fear.  
  
"Hmmmm interesting, it looks like there's one more accident victim over here." She was looking down the open trap door in the floor.  
  
"What is it detective?"  
  
She dove down the open trap door, landing with a splash.  
  
"Milk..ugghh. and it smells bad!" it was as if a thousand angry monkeys were throwing a tantrum in her nose.  
  
Pudding chan pulled Excel out of at tub of expired milk "Clearly this woman was lactose intolerant and died from drinking expired milk.. Looks like she also fell on a bullet." Excel coughed up some chunks of curdled milk on her trench coat.  
  
The sheriff looked down the trap door "That tall drink of milk is alive!"  
  
"Oh shut up and get us out of here!"  
  
Later after Excel gets taken to a hospital  
  
Excel lay in a coma on the hospital bed, which almost seemed unnatural for someone as hyperactive as she once was.  
  
Outside as the rain poured down in buckets an Alfa Romeo model car drove into the hospital parking lot. As it pulled into the stall the door opened and out stepped a brown haired woman who bore a vague resemblance to Excel. This was Kobayashi Excel, code named Kobayashi Excel.  
  
"Hmmm. so she's in room 666. I'd better make myself inconspicuous." She put on an artsy looking trench coat. Her coat was designed to look like it had a belt and buttons but those were actually painted on. Next she took out an eye patch and stuck it on her face. Written on the eye patch were the words "I'm not a suspicious person"  
  
"Good, now that I look like a villain form a spy movie, no one will ever suspect a thing. Just in case I'd better act non chalant and whistle." Kobayshi took her umbrella, which had matching colors to those of her trench coat and began walking down the corridor while whistling a highly suspicious yet catchy tune.  
  
As melody drifted through the hallways reaching excels room, the suspicious yet catchy whistling tune almost seemed like the bell of death tolling for some unfortunate person. Kobayashi found the changing room the nurses used, still whistling she walked inside and began changing. After a few more minutes of changing the door opened. This time the words "I'm just a naughty nurse" were written on her eye patch. Because it would have been awfully suspicious if she had worn the same eye patch she walked in with. In one hand she had a platter with a bottle of some unidentifiable substance.  
  
After arriving at Excels room Kobayashi stood over her bed. "I may never have liked you. In fact I hated you for taking the lead role, which should have been mine. All I ever got to do was sing the intro song with Hyatt Mikako. But that shouldn't suggest that I don't respect you. Which is why I won't use this little bottle of some poison on you, I doubt it would have killed you anyway, but I have something much bigger!" Kobayashi pulled out a pokeball "All right Koffing, lets do this!" when her cell phone rang to the same tune as the Excel Saga theme song.  
  
She put down the pokeballand pulled out her cell phone. "What is it?"  
  
"Where are you right now?"  
  
"I'm standing over Excel withmy Koffing pokeball, he's going to gas that show stealer to death!"  
  
"I want to call off the hit." Illpalatzo moved the phone away from his ear so that Kobayashis loud protests would be less audible. In his other hand he held something that looked like a fish, polished as shiny as if it were a katana wielded by a mighty samurai warrior.  
  
"Like hell you are! Do you know how much trouble I went through to get this pokeball, I had to kill all of team rocket! Besides I just know she's going to wake up and take all my parts again if I don't chop her head off right now!"  
  
"Kobayashi , we did a lot of things to that girl, and if she wakes up we'll do a whole lot more. I put a bullet in her brain and dropped her into a tub of spoiled milk something any normal human would never survive, but her heart never stopped beating. One thing we won't do Kobayashi is sneak in her room and gas her to death with something from an anime as awful as pokemon. Do you know why we won't do that thing? We won't do that thing because that thing would lower us to the level of the ignorant masses across seeks to control.."  
  
"I guess your right." Kobayashi stuck the pokeball back in her bag.  
  
"Do you really have to guess?"  
  
"I guess not."  
  
"That's my decisive girl, now why don't you come on home."  
  
Kobayashi turned to Excel before going "You must think that was pretty funny huh?" and took out a permanent marker. Then she drew a mustache and glasses as well as other graffiti all over Excels face. "Well now I'm the one laughing!" she pointed at Excels face and laughed. "And if you ever wake up you'll get a lot more from where that came from!" Kobayashi walked out of the room.  
  
"Hey I don't remember a nurse with an eye patch working here." said a doctor that happened to walk past her.  
  
"Oops, wrong patch!" She took out her "I'm not a suspicious person" patch and put it on. "There is that better!"  
  
"Oh, well I still don't remember seeing you here before but since your not a suspicious person I guess its ok." Kobayashi and the doctor continued walking in opposite directions.  
  
Five years later  
  
Myoga the old flea demon from Inuyasha hopped up on excels bedside. "Mmm.. Boy am I hungry." He stuck his sucker into her arm sucking her blood. As if on reflex Excels hand slapped him.  
  
"Why does this always happen to me?" A very flat Myoga said as he fell to the floor.  
  
Excel sat up with a start looking around wildly. Illpalatzo and the others who did this to her were gone, she was in a hospital. How long had she been out? Then she felt her stomach, her baby was gone! Excel rarely ever felt sad or regretful about anything but it hit her like a wave. They had killed her baby! She began to cry, then her stomach growled, Excel deflated like a flat tire her hunger ruining a dramatic moment yet again, then suddenly she heard some footsteps. Excel quickly lay down and pretended to still be asleep.  
  
The door opened and in walked two very strange people. One was wearing a blue operator shirt like a doctor would wear. On his nametag was the name "Alien # 1". He also had purple skin and a purple hat. The feature that stood out the most though was a weird thing sort of like a tail hanging off his crotch, a strange meatball like object on the end of it. The person accompanying Alien # 1 looked like some kid whose body had been replaced by really goofy looking tentacles.  
  
"Oh wow! Finally after all these years I'll be able to fulfill my tentacle fantasies!" K-Kun was practically crying with joy. All the other tentacle monsters would make fun of his goofy looking tentacles and the fact that he was still a virgin. But now he'd be the one laughing... well as much as one could laugh when doing a comatose girl, but to K-kun this was a victory worthy of being praised by the gods themselves.  
  
Alien # 1 decided it was time to lay down the ground rules, he couldn't have K-kun blowing his little secret. He walked over to Excel and pointed at her face saying "Gar-goyubap po nubble wap bugle!"  
  
"What did you say?"  
  
"Gar-goyubap po nubble wap bugle!"  
  
"Hmmm.. Oh I get it you want me to punch her and give her a black eye, oh I like your style!"  
  
Alien # 1 frantically waved his hands shouting "Gar-goyubap po nubble wap bugle!" "You want me to give her a hickey?"  
  
This was no good, the communication gap was too large Alien # 1 picked up a piece of paper and wrote "Don't do anything that leaves physical marks! No hickeys, no shiners and no decapitations!"  
  
"Oh I get it!"  
  
Alien # 1 was about to walk out of the room when he said "Weh! Dabugarb go foobiolo!" and tossed K-kun a can car engine lubricant.  
  
After Alien # 1 walked out of the room K-kuns goofy looking tentacles began to wrap around Excels body. "Finally! I'm going to be able to make it with a woman!"  
  
Excel opened her eyes, in her hunger K-kun looked like one of those barbequed squid you might buy in Japan. As K-kun was leaning down to her face Excel latched her jaws onto him like a rabid dog, devouring his tentacles.  
  
"No! I don't want to die a virgin!" Excel took another bite out of him severing his vocal cords so that he couldn't scream anymore as she quickly finished eating him. After devouring the last tentacle she tried to get out of bed , but it was no good, even after eating K-kun she was still too hungry to walk.  
  
Alien # 1 decided it was time to go back and check on K-kun. He opened the door and didn't see anything, even Excel was gone. For a moment he wondered if K-kun had kidnapped her. Then he noticed a piece of a goofy looking tentacle on the floor. Whatever that piece of goofy looking tentacle meant, it couldn't be good for him. "Gorbo-nob waglry!"  
  
While eating K-kuns body Excel had discovered that the goofy looking alien had been carrying a light saber. She swung it at Alien # 1's ankles.  
  
"Graowblooooo!" Alien # 1 screamed in surprise as the burning blade of energy cut through his ankles like piranha in a gold fish tank.  
  
"WHERE'S ILLPALATZO?" Excel slammed the door on that weird meatball looking thing hanging off Alien # 1's crotch it seemed to send a spasm through his body when the door hit it causing his body to jump into the air slightly.  
  
"Rabojo! Kakojl narruuu!" Alien # 1 said pleadingly, but Excel wouldn't have any of that.  
  
She slammed the door on it again causing his body to spasm again. "Rabojo! Rabojo!" Alien # 1 said pleadingly.  
  
Whoever he was he didn't seem to have anything to do with Illpalatzo, either that or he just couldn't speak her language or possibly both reasons. Then Excel noticed his nametag "Alien # 1"  
  
Flashback  
  
Alien # 1 stood over Excels bed unbuckling his nonexistent pants He pointed at his nametag "Alien # 1 bobju kakrubo torgo!". Then he finished unbuckling his imaginary pants and said "Neu!NeuNeu!"  
  
"YOUR ALIEN # 1 RIGHT?"  
  
"Bargo-popopo!  
  
"And you're here to NEUNEUNEU, RIGHT?"  
  
"ALIEN # 1 DOESN'T RHYME WITH NEUNEUNEU!" he screamed in English for the first time in this fic as Excel slammed the door on that weird ball hanging off his crotch for the last time. The ball popped off , purple goop spraying out from where it had once been connected, Alien # 1 went into another spasm and then lay there unmoving aside from a twitch here and there. Excel put on his goofy looking purple hat so that she would look less suspicious and looked outside, no one was there. She quickly took off alien # 1's shirt and got in a wheel chair.  
  
As she rolled down the hallway the same doctor who had encountered Kobayashi in her previous visit noticed Excel. "Oh, Alien # 1, I was looking for you. Say.. You kind of look different.."  
  
"Uhhhhh..."  
  
"Oh I see you had that weird thing on your crotch removed. Is that why you're in the wheel chair?"  
  
"Yeah, you got it, hey look a distracting object!"  
  
"Wow! Its some guy eating a bucket of nails while cross dressing!" the doctor said in awe as Excel wheeled away. She looked at Alien #1's key chain. One of the attachments was a logo in flamboyant pink letters that said "Unidentified flying pussy"  
  
"That Neuneuneu!" Excel said in disgust as she continued looking for his car. She continued around the parking lot until she spotted a shiny but clunky looking yellow UFO in one of the parking stalls, in big pink letters painted on its side were the words "unidentified flying pussy"  
  
Excel took a look at the key chain and then looked back at the clunky UFO with a smile on her face.  
  
She opened the door and climbed inside, the wheel chair rolling away. She'd have to get some food so that she'd have enough strength to pilot the UFO.  
  
For the first time Excel began to audibly narrate her situation to the audience of one fly that happened to be buzzing around the cockpit.  
  
"After five years of beauty sleep I knew nothing of my enemies strengths or weaknesses, well aside from the fact that they would all probably taste pretty good right now. I set my sites on the one enemy who would probably taste the best. Menchi wouldn't be hard to find, after all one doesn't usually hide one self when one is the queen of the Tokyo underworld."  
  
Flash back with Excel narrating  
  
"Menchis first acquaintance with death was at the age of eleven. It was at that age that the little white dog that looked like a cat witnessed the murder of her parents at the hands of Boss Hound, leader of the most ruthless canine branch of Yakuza in all of Japan!"  
  
Menchi watched with her scared beady black eyes as a violent fight was going on in the same room she was in right now. Wolf was fighting several dogs working for hound. He grabbed the neck of one dog in his mouth crushing his wind pipe and slammed him into a nearby bookcase. From behind him , Cheater the (dog who always carried dice and wears an eye patch from the first Menchi episode) ,the right hand dog of Boss hound took out two four sided dice and hurled them with such force that they shot through Wolfs body. Two jet sprays of blood shot from the holes made by cheaters dice. Wolf fell to the ground defeated, the two jets of blood still spraying into the air like geysers. He began to get up and looked at his enemys, blood spraying from his bodie. Mad Pooch (the other dog from the menchi episode with the scar face) walked foreward to look at his old nemises "Wolf your legend ends here today, now my era begins!" he swung a katana granting Wolf a dogs death!  
  
.  
  
At this point Boss Hound came into the light, (he's the same old guy from the two Menchi episodes) He grabbed Kyoko (the girl dog who was with wolf who plays menchis mom in this fic) and flung her onto the bed, then he reached behind his back and pulled out a huge mini gun! As if the weapon were some horrific phallic symbol he thrust it at her and pulled the trigger shredding her body and sending tufts of her blood stained fur into the air.  
  
Menchi began to whimper as several of the bullets tore through the bed but Menchi quickly grabbed onto the whimper and shoved it back in her mouth.  
  
As boss hound left Cheater turned around and hurled one six sided die at a bottle of sake shattering it. A burning cigarette was on a nearby chair, he shot another die at it sending the cigarette into the air. It landed in the puddle of sake lighting it up in a blaze of glory.  
  
As Menchi left the burning house she swore she would get revenge on Boss Hound! Luckily for Menchi, Boss Hound had a thing for little white dogs that look like cats. At age 13 Menchi got her revenge!  
  
Menchi sat on top of the old man who was naked , while she was cos playing as a Japanese school girl, where Menchi had found a school uniform small enough to fit a little dog was anyone's guess. But right now the old man had other things to worry about as Menchi had the barrels of the same sort of mini gun he had killed her parents with pressed against his chest. She pulled the trigger sending a hail of hot lead into his body.  
  
"Arf! Arf Arf!" Menchi began to say as the bullets ripped into him.  
  
Subtitle: Boss hound! Do my eyes look familiar to you? Look closely at my eyes, my mouth, do they look like someone you killed?  
  
Although Menchi didn't know this, she was adopted which is why she didn't look anything like Wolf or Kyoko. Also with that Mini gun sending out a thunderous roar he couldn't hear what she was saying. But Menchi didn't care , she had avenged Wolf and Kyoko!  
  
The door opened, Cheater and Mad Pooch ran in the room, Cheater hurled his dice but Menchi used the old mans body as a shield diving under the bed she pulled out two desert eagle guns, somehow operating them without thumbs she blasted the legs out from under her enemies.  
  
Cheaters dice landed on the floor, a two and a four, very unlucky! Menchi somehow managed to pull the trigger again without thumbs blasting them both in the head.  
  
"At age 20, Menchi was the top canine assassin world wide!"  
  
Menchi stood atop a building in some South American city dressed in a shiny red spandex outfit with a long sniper rifle.  
  
Down below  
  
The queen of magic from the Puni Puni Poemi OVA waved to the crowds around her, when suddenly something hit her on the head, blood spraying out like a geyser. She fell down dead as everyone screamed. One of her security men came over and pulled something from her head. "My god! It's an acupuncture needle!"  
  
"At age 25, she played her part in the murder of eight innocent people including my unborn daughter."  
  
Menchi flew into the air delivering a devastating blow to Excels face with her tiny paw.  
  
"But she made one mistake, she should have killed nine! But before satisfaction would be mine, first things first." Excel pressed the tractor beam button grabbing another pigeon out of the air.  
  
"Mmmmm.. Yummy!" Excel shoved the panicking bird into her mouth, feathers and all.  
  
13 pigeons later  
  
Excel stuck Alien #1's key in the ignition and put on his purple hat as the UFO rumbled to life and began to fly off.  
  
Next time: The fish from Okinawa 


	3. The fish from Okinawa

Kill Illpalatzo

Ch.3: The fish from Okinawa

Authors notes: Looks like I'm finally getting off my lazy butt to update this. I hadn't realized this before but I combined the 2nd and 3rd chapters in chapter 2. Also in response to one of the reviews commenting about Alien #1 speaking gibberish. I haven't seen the ADV version of puni puni poemi so I don't know if they took any liberties with his dialogue, but in the original Japanese version was definatly-speaking gibberish. Also the Asau sisters will make a small appearance in Kill Illpalatzo vol 2. The use of the fish as a sword was also partially inspired by a character used by bloodstorm, a guy I rpg with sometimes.

Excel parked the UFO outside the airport much to every ones surprise. "Okinawa, one way!" Excel said cheerfully.

"Uhh you have a UFO , so why are you taking the airlines?" said the man as he gave her the ticket

"Hmmmm, well it ran out of gas and I was too cheap to get another antimatter core. I'll have to get one when I come back."

"But that was a one way ticuit."

"WAH! I hadn't thought of that! Oh well I'm sure things will work out somehow." Excels bag fell open, various machine guns, hand grenades and a large battle ax fell out. She zipped her bag back up and put it on the ramp for inspection.

"Hmmm, hand grenade, knuckle blades, armor piercing rounds…. No box cutters here, you can go through." The man said handing Excel her bag.

"Yes! Now I can finally experience the joys of cramped seats and mediocre air plane food!" Excel said getting on the plane.

Later in a tiny sushi bar in Okinawa worked a mysterious man who communicated with nothing more then a ukulele.

He twanged angrily on his Ukulele, Poemi was slacking off again!

As he twanged the instrument a subtitle went across the screen since most people don't speak in ukulele.

Subtitle: Poemi get your ass out here! We have a customer!

Excel walked into the sushi bar looking like a typical Japanese tourist. Excel decided it would be best not to let on her true intentions here, using the years of skill she had spent honing as Illpalatzos top assassin her acting was impeccable, she would pose as a tourist from America.

"Hello, I would like undercooked fish with no head please! I am American terrorist! Not Engrish, but American. Your mother is pig!"

The ukulele guy stared blankly at her with his expressionless face, but a large sweat drop on the back of his head betrayed his confusion.

"Did someone say a terrorist is here? Kobayashi punch!" Poemi ran out in puni puni poemi mode, about to beat the living daylights out of Excel, but the ukulele guy bonked her over the head with his ukulele knocking her out cold and dragged her out back. After doing so he began to play his ukulele.

Subtitle: Ok who are you really? And what do you want with me?

"Wow, you saw through my disguise! You truly are a master!" Excel said in Japanese giving up on trying to imitate an American tourist.

Subtitle:.....

"I guess this means I can skip over the part where I order sake and the bald guy is to lazy to get it right?"

"Kobayashi isn't bald! Kobayashi is busy watching her soap operas!" Poemis voice called from the back room.

Excel went on "I'm here for the Ukulele guys fish!"

subtitle: This is a sushi bar so I guess you would be....

"Not the sushi.....although I'll have some of that later, it's been too long since I've had something good, lately I haven't had anything to eat except pigeons and air plane food. I was thinking more like this one." Excel picked up Poemis fish baton, which she had dropped, but the ukulele guy quickly grabbed it out of her hand.

Subtitle: You must be really hungry if you want the ukulele guys fish.

"You have no idea...."

Subtitle: Come with me.

The ukulele guy led Excel through the back of the sushi bar into a hidden room. The walls were lined with many fish similar to the one Poemi had used. These were the legendary magical fish constructed by the ukulele guy. Supposedly these were not just the finest magical fish made in Japan but in the entire world as well. Excel reached out to touch one of the gleaming fish. Normally when Excel saw something interesting she would touch it right away, about half the time this would result in the object in question getting broken , but even Excel couldn't help but feel some reverence for the Ukulele guys master creations.

"Can I..."

Subtitle: Go ahead...

Excel was about to grab a fish baton similar to Poemis

Subtitle: Try the fish below it.

Excel grabbed the fish baton, and transformed into a magical girl similar to Poemi, at the same time the fish bones transformed into something like a katana blade.

Subtitle: I see you like magical fish....I prefer hand grenades myself.

The ukulele guy pulled a pin from a hand grenade and hurled it at Excel, with lightning fast reflexes she parried it with the fish's blade cutting it into several pieces before it could explode.

Subtitle: If you know so much, you must also surely know , that I no longer make fish that kill people....not unless you count that blowfish that business man ate here last month but that doesn't count, that was an accident. I keep these here for aesthetic value. As proud as I am of my life's work I am retired.

"Give me one of these then."

"These are not for sale."

Excel took out some brass knuckles and put them on her hand. "I said give me one of these!"

Subtitle: Ok...maybe we can work something out, but aside from the fact that I would get a savage beating if I don't, why should I help you?

"One of those fish that needs to be eaten....he's a former student of yours....And considering the fish, I think you have a rather large obligation!"

The ukulele guy got a shocked look on his face, on a nearby window that was all fogged over he began to write "Illpalatzo, but since Illpalatzo is such a long name and it was a very small window he only managed to write "Illpala"

Subtitle: You can sleep over there. It will take me one month, I suggest you spend that time training....

The ukulele guy went back down stair leaving Excel with the fish.

Excel walked over to the window, if he couldn't write the entire name, he shouldn't have written it at all. Excel rubbed it out.

One month later

The ukulele guy dressed in white ceremonial robes he took out a new fish, it was of finer quality then any of the others Excel had seen in his attic. He began to play his ukulele again, only those fluent in ukulele could understand what he was saying , fortunately both Excel and Poemi were.

Subtitle: I have completed doing what I swore an oath to god 28 years ago to never do again. I have completed making a fish that kills people. I have done this because philosophically I am sympathetic to your aims, also I didn't want to get beat up.

The Ukulele guy sheathed the fish, it's blade shrinking back into the fish bones on the end of the baton, the markings in the handle were similar to those of a samurai sword in a yellow and black pattern. On the blade, which had now shrunk into a fish head, was a carving of a lioness.

Subtitle: With no ego this is the finest fish I have ever created. If on your journey you encounter god, a mod a log or even a dog, they will all be cut. Revenge is never a straight line, and often times it is best served with pinto beans and muffins. Now go yellow haired warrior.....and be sure to buy some pinto beans....and muffins...

The ukulele guy then preceded to hand her the most deadly magical fish ever conceived

"I don't suppose you have any wasabe to go with that?"

Subtitle: I have some out back I'll go get it...


	4. Showdown at the house of Blue Balls

Kill Illpalatzo: Chapter Four

Showdown at the House of Blue Balls

Authors notes: The people who host bowling Musume from the bowling episode are named Susumu Shikiri and Shinoji Shinoba, yes I actually bothered to watch the episode again to find out what their names were , because I'm having them fill in the parts of Charlie Brown and that other ladies who were waiting on the crazy 88 in Kill Bill. And I didn't want to just refer to them as "those bowling people"

Excel began to narrate again as the scene went to a flashback "At the age of twenty Illpalatzo backed his canine progeny both financially and philosophically in her Shakespearian in magnitude power struggle with the other yakuza clans in who would rule vice in the city of Tokyo. When it was all over it was Menchi and her powerful posse , the 88 Balls & pin."

"The big man who looks like some sort of Robocop wannabe is Japans most ruthless bowler and Menchis General, Ballsbovski from hell. The pretty woman in the pink dress wearing a leash is Menchis lifelong friend, lawyer and translator, The Translator Girl. The little girl who looks like a sailor chibi moon imitation is Sailor Kojet, Menchis personal bodyguard, she may be young, but what she lacks in age she makes up for in madness."

Flashback to Sailor Kojet in a bar

Sailor Kojet was drunk sitting across from her was a man in a lab coat, this was Dr. Shioji who was also drunk.

"Hey....you wanna screw me don't you...." Sailor Kojet started

"I would be lying if I said no....I love little flat girls....I detest girls with large breasts" Sailor Kojet seemed to get annoyed and pulled out a tanto impaling him.

"I'm not flat! I'm a D-cup!" She wrenched out the tanto , blood and intestines spewing out of Shioji.

End flashback

Menchi sat at the end of a long expensive looking table. Sitting on either side of the table were various Yakuza bosses most of which looked like they were having a good time. These included bosses, Matsuya, Watanabe, Iwata, Sumiyoshi , Kabapu and the one who seemed determined to break the mood, Boss Rikudo!

"Just in case your wondering how a little white dog who looks like a little white cat became the boss of all criminal activity in Tokyo Japan, I'll tell you , the subject of Menchis species came up before the council only once. The night Menchi assumed power over the crime council."

Boss Rikudo stewed in his Sake and looked to have a headache. Boss Rikudo brought his hand down on his plate shattering it.

Boss Kabapu got so flustered by this action that his mustache fell off "Boss Rikudo what's the meaning of this outburst? This is a time for celebration!"

"What exactly am I supposed to be celebrating? I didn't approve any of this!"

The other Bosses started to get angry with Rikudo.

"Arf! Arf ! Arf!"

Menchis Translator girl: Gentlemen, boss Rikudo obviously has something on his mind, allow him to express It.!

Rikudo went on to explain "Look at how this fanfiction is using my characters! Who the hell thought it would be a good idea to make the will of the microcosm Vernitia Green? But what really doesn't make sense is Menchi as Oren, wouldn't Hyatt or even that secretary of Kabapus be a better choice? But Menchi of all people? She's a dog! Hell she isn't even very dog like, she's a dog that looks like a cat! How the hell is a dog that looks like a cat going to become the queen of the crime council, not even Watanabe would ever do something this deranged with my characters!"

Suddenly Rikudo heard the sound of little paws running across the table. Menchi came to a stop in front of him and whipped out that huge giant sword Excel used to kill Rikudo in the first episode of Excel saga.

"Uhoh..." Rikudo didn't have time to say anything more as his head was separated from his body in one fluid motion. A jet spray of blood shot into the air. Everyone reacted in horror backing away, except for Boss Watanabe who was wondering where Menchi got that huge sword from and why Boss Rikudos blood wasn't letting up and still shooting ten feet into the air. Menchi now had her snow-white coat of fur stained with red drop of blood, she turned to face the others.

Menchi started to talk "Arf! Arf! Arf Arf!"

Translator Girl: I'm going to say this in dog since that's the only language I know how to speak. As your leader I encourage you from time to time and always in a respectful manner, and with the complete knowledge that my decision is final to question my logic. If your unconvinced that a particular plan of action I have chosen is the wisest, tell me so. But allow me to convince you, and I promise you here and now that no subject will be taboo, except the subject that was just under discussion...also no ones allowed to ask why that jet spray of blood never runs out either.(menchi gestured to Rikudos body still spouting blood)

"Arf! Arf ! Arf! Arf ! Arf!" Menchi said picking up Boss Rikudos head in one paw, how she did this, or wield a sword for that matter with no fingers was a mystery, but no one dared to ask how she did it now..

"Does anyone else think it's strange that a dog can pick up someone head when they have no fingers?" Boss Watanabe was trying to make the other bosses see reason that these events were physically impossible , but they never did before and weren't about to start now. Menchi shot him a glare and he quickly shut up.

"Arf Arf Arf! ARF!ARF!ARF! ARF!!!"

Translator girl: The price you pay for bringing up the subject that was just under discussion is that I collect your fucking head. Just like this fucker here! Now if any of you sonsabitches got anything else to say, nows the fuckin time!

No one said anything

"Arf arf"

Translator girl: I didn't think so. Meeting adjourned.

End flashback of Menchis takeover

After receiving her fish from the ukulele guy Excel walked into the same airport carrying her usual arsenal with the addition of one special fish. "Tokyo, one way!"

Later

Excel got off the plane and , sure she had gotten here but she needed some wheels now. She spotted a man who looked suspiciously like the T-1000 riding along on a motorcycle. He drove up to Excel and took out a picture of a boy "Have seen this boy, his name is John Conner....."

"Say....that's a nice bike...." Excel said looking at the T-1000's motorcycle.

Later...

Riding the T-1000's motorcycle Excel rocketed through the streets of Tokyo Japan following her mark. Menchi hadn't been hard to find, her expensive black car followed by an entourage of bowling ninja's, each of which carried several bowling pins in the back of their motorcycles. Excel knew that these were no ordinary bowling pins each concealed a deadly weapon.

Excel came to a halt pulling up to a stop light, Menchi's car on the other side of the street, watching the car through the visor of her yellow motorcycle helmet Excel noticed Menchi's translator girl. She took out her phone dialing 0 to get the operator. Now Excel was real mad, she should have used 1-800 collect! Heads were going to role for that! Excel took off running the red light.

At the house of Blue Ball's , the most high-class bowling alley in Japan , bowling Musume was being filmed. Shinoji was busy giving Susumu an earful about what to do when the 88 Balls & pin got there "Listen, you know what happened to the Rikudo clan, they cut off their heads and used them as bowling balls!"

"B-But our shows ratings were so bad.... we needed some high profile guests instead of the usual bowling idols!"

"Bowling idols don't cut your head off and bowl with it if you make them mad!" Shinoji shouted at him at that moment Menchi and her entourage of bowling ninja's arrived along with Sailor Kojet and the translator girl. Menchi lead them as they walked in like they owned a place, looking as badass as a little white dog who looked like a cat was capable of looking.

As the passed the desk Menchi looked up and said "Arf Arf!"

"My Shoes" the translator girl said translating Menchis barks.

"My Shoes! My Shoes! My Shoes!" Menchi's bowling Ninja all said as they followed behind her.

When Excel arrived there was a Japanese band playing what sounded like surf music, why something like this was in a bowling alley was anyone's guess. "My shoes!" Excel said flashing the cool yellow badass looking shoes she was wearing. Excel looked around, this place was incredibly popular for a bowling alley, people were dancing and the place even had traditional Japanese paper windows. Just what kind of bowling alley was this? Excel spotted Menchi and her Ninja's with some sort of TV crew.

"Hello everyone, I'm Susumu Shikiri!"

"And I'm Shinoji Shinoba, together were the S-pair! Today it's a special episode of bowling Musume, bowling Yakuza!"

"Hey! We want a pizza!"

"And I want a kitten!"

Said several of the bowling Ninja's to Susumu and Shinoji.

"Uhh...were just the hosts of the show if you want those...."

Shinoji grabbed him by the ear "Do you want to get your head cut off? I don't care what they want just get it for them!"

"ArfArf!"

Translator Girl: I want some kibbles & bits!

Due to the outragous demands of Menchi & company they decided to take a break from filming Bowling Musume to go find a kitten, a pizza, some kibbles & bits and a life sized wax statue of Captain Kirk. While they were waiting, Menchi and the others went into a private room resembling the sort that you would find in a high class Japanese restaurant, except it also had a DDR machine in it for some reason. Menchi and the bowling Ninja's were playing DDR as Excel snuck around outside the door, Menchi was getting a perfect score on the DDR machine when suddenly a chill went down her spine. She hadn't felt this feeling since four years ago. Although Menchi held herself above her minions and commanded them with an iron paw she had one undeniable fear that she kept secret from everyone.....that one day....somehow...some way....she would come back to devour her, just as she had promised to do so long ago.

As the song ended, Menchi jumped into the air above the DDR Machine hurling a kunai through the paper windows in one fluid motion.

Outside the windows the kunai streaked past Excels nose embedding in a wooden support beam. Lucky for Excel, like most anime characters she had a very small nose that was difficult to hit.

Menchi turned to Sailor Kojet "Arf!"

Kojet nodded and opened the door looking around. Excel was nowhere to be seen. She went back in and closed the door. After doing so Excel squeezed her body back out of the breadbox she had hid in. She had learned that trick back when she had been training with Nabeshin.

Excel looked around and noticed Menchi's translator girl down on one of the lower levels. She seemed to be waiting for the pizza that those bowling Musume people were supposed to be getting for them. Now would be the time to make her move. Excel tailed the translator girl into the women's bathroom where she pulled out her telephone and dialed 0 again. That had done it, no one dialed 0 in front of Excel and got away with it! This bitch was going down now!

"Hey, are you the translator girl for Menchi of the 88 balls & pin?" Excel said tapping her on the shoulder. She turned around and was about to answer when Excel sent some brass knuckles straight into her nose with the force of a shotgun.

Meanwhile

Menchi and her bowling Ninja's were having a blast on the DDR machine. Susumu walked in with a pizza "Please don't cut off my head, but I couldn't find that life sized wax statue of captain Kirk anywhere!"

"AHAHA! It's no biggie we'll, just cut your finger off!" One of the Ninja's said

"No wait! I can pretend to be that captain Kirk statue just don't hurt me!"

"You know....you remind me of Charlie Brown..."

"But I'm not bald...."

"Well you are now!" One of the bowling ninja's pulled out a shaver while two of the others held him down.

"NOOOO! Not my sexy hair!"

"MEEEEEEEENNNNCCCHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The Ninja's froze, Menchi also froze and got that terrified Menchi look on her face, only one person could call her name in such a terrifying way! Menchi turned to Susumu "Arf! Arf....Arfarfarf!" he took Menchis advice and got out of there fast.

The bowling Ninja's threw open the door and Menchi walked out and looked down to see her translator girl with a bloody nose. Stepping out from behind her like a ghost from the past was Excel. "Menchi, you know I've always said that I was saving you as an emergency ration....I'm feeling pretty hungry right now, and I'm too broke from those plane tickets to buy any food....." Excel said looking up at Menchi with an insane hungry look on her face.

"Arfarf..." Menchi started to say but it was bleeped out before she could finish saying Excels name. Menchi remembered that even in what had seemed like her dying moments, Excel in one last hungered frenzy had tried to devour her.

Excel whipped out her fish, she twirled around in a flash of light as her clothes came off, her socks didn't so she had to push those off with her feet, but when the transformation finished she wore a costume similar to Puni Puni Poemi's except this one was yellow and black in the same pattern as the yellow track suit worn by Bruce Lee in "Game of Death" The fish elongated into a gleaming katana blade which Excel whipped around like lightning slicing off Translator Girls arm, the same arm she had used to dial her cell phone. "That's for not dialing 1-800 collect!"

Menchi turned to one of the bowling Ninja's "Arfarf!" he nodded in response back flipping down to the first floor and whipping out his bowling pin. He pulled the top of it off revealing a long katana blade and charged at Excel screaming a battle cry and swinging his blade down. Excel whirled the fish around parrying the blow and cutting his blade in half, a jet spray of blood shot out from the katana blade. The bowling ninja paused briefly to wonder how this was possible when Excel impaled him and in one swift motion used her fish to hurl him across the room where he crashed into a bunch of pins at the end of a bowling lane. It was a strike!

"ARF! ARF! ARF!" Menchi barked, the rest of the bowling Ninja's all leapt down to face Excel next drawing blades from their bowling pins. Excel shot foreword, her superior skills making short work of her opponents. Each of them dying with a huge jet spray of blood. Excel began to notice that there was an awful lot of blood around here, all these guys were still bleeding with no sign of it running out especially the translator girl, she'd better be careful it might get slippery in here. As Excel whipped the fish through the body of one of the attacking ninja's the last one pulled out a new pin, this one changed into a gun. He fired it, Excel whipped her fish around hitting the bullet with the flat of her blade sending it flying right into the fore head of the last bowling ninja.

"So any more flunkies for me to kill before I eat you?"

"Arf!"

"Just me! I'm sure you must have heard of my reputation....I've certainly heard of yours, your Excel...."

"Ummmm.....your Sailor Chibi moon right?" Kojet fell over

"No!"

"Uhhh....are you Takako Chigusa from Battle Royal?"

"Why the hell would I be Takako Chigusa? We don't even look like each other! I'm Sailor Kojet!"

"What an unfortunate sounding name...anyway I know you feel you need to protect your mistress, but it would be much more convenient for me if you just walked away....I mean if there's any more blood here, it'll get hard to walk. So I beg you...."

"Menchi told me that when begging you should role over so that people can pet your tummy!"

"What?!? I aint rolling over for anyone! Even if you do have a dog biscuit! Your going down!"

Sailor Kojet looked angry "Role over now!" She said dropping what appeared to be a bowling ball connected to a chain.

"But I really don't want to do that...."

"Bad dog!" She swung the bowling ball at Excel, it morphed into the same sort of killer bowling ball used by Ballsbovski in the bowling episode. Excel barely dodged as it whizzed past her head, the killer ball ripped apart a support beam behind her. Kojet yanked back, the ball came sailing back towards Excel who quickly rolled out of the way.

"Sit boy!"

"I'm not Inuyasha!" A nearby table was smashed to splinters. The ball sailed back into the hand of Kojet who caught it. She pressed a button and one of the razor sharp circular blades inside the killer ball shot out towards excel like some sort of deadly frisbee. Excel quickly moved her head to evade being hit but the blade grazed her cheek before being imbedded in the wall behind her. Kojet pressed another button, one of the other blades as well as several of the spikes on the ball shot out. Excel dodged the blade again and parried the two spikes with her fish. Kojet wasn't about to give Excel a break as she swung the killer ball back at her knocking the fish out of her hand. Whirling it back & forth with incredible speed Kojet charged at Excel before she had chance to get her fish back, swinging down like a wrecking ball it impacted on the floor as Excel rolled out of the way sending splinters of wood into the air. She had Excel cornered now, this fight would be hers! Kojet pressed another button shooting another spike from the ball, which lodged in Excels left hand. Excel winced in pain and tugged at her hand trying to dislodge it from the wall.

Kojet was winding up for the killing blow, she pressed the self destruct button, this attack had never failed her. She began to wind up and swung the ball into the air, as it began to sail towards Excel it opened up, a chibi Nabeshin came out of the ball and he was holding a bomb! Excel thought quickly and remembered a trick she had learned when training with Nabeshin. She reached into her hair with her free hand and pulled out a huge METAL BASEBALL BAT! As the killer ball sailed towards her, the bomb fuse getting ever shorter Excel slammed the metal bat into it sending it sailing back straight into at Sailor Kojet, right before it hit her the bomb exploded destroying the ball in the process sending the last circular cutting disk flying straight into her fore head. Kojet was only able to scream briefly. Several drops of blood ran down her face and from her tear ducts. She staggered as if severely drunk and then toppled like a marionette with its strings cut hitting the floor with a thud.

Excel wrenched the spike from her hand and walked over to her fish still lying on the ground picking it up, she also took the metal bat and stuck it back inside her hair. She walked over to see Menchi still looking down at her. "Mmmmmm....you look nice and fat Menchi...."

Suddenly Excel heard the sound of a whole lot of motorcycles and at least one 18-wheel Semi plowing through a space to small for it to fit.

"Arf Arf! Arf arf arf arf!"

"You know, for a moment there, yeah, I kind of did...."

"Arf arf arf...."

"Trix are for...."

"Arf!"

Menchi finished her sentence for her. Excel heard hundreds of footsteps pounding as dozens of bowling Ninja's poured into the room all of them wielding bowling pin weapons. They were lead by a large man who looked sort of like Robocop. Ballsbovski pulled out two bowling pins that connected together into a double-sided red light saber. Excel looked around her, she was completely surrounded by bowling ninja's. Like a pack of wild hyenas stalking a wilder beast they all slowly began to move in drawing their weapons. Excel faked a strike with her fish causing them to back off a bit. Then three of them struck drawing their pin blades, in one swift movement Excel bisected all three of them, sending their upper torso's flying through the air followed by three jets of blood and bits of internal organs. Another bowling ninja pulled out a pin pressing a button on it dozens of three inch long spikes came out. He hurled the pin at Excel who caught it in one hand and flung it back at him, one of the pin spikes lodging into his eye socket. Twirling his double light sabers Ballsbovski attacked Darth Maul style, Excel parried his strikes but she could tell he was better then these other guys. She ducked one of his strikes, the light saber hitting one of the other bowling ninjas burning him clean in half.

One of the other ninja's turned his pin into a grenade launcher and fired at Excel who brought her fish hitting it back at Ballsbovski, it exploded sending him flying through a wall. Another Bowling Ninja ran up with his sword ready to strike but before he could Excels hand shot out.

"Got your nose!" For some reason everything went black & white, the last time this happened she was shot and dropped through a trap door, she wasn't about to let that happen again. The man who she had pretended to steal the nose of was crying on the floor clutching his face.

"Jeez, it's just a trick, see it was my thumb...." he didn't seem to be listing still crying about his nose. Excel didn't have time to be concerned about this, more of them were attacking. Excel ducked a sword strike and sliced off someone's feet with her fish. She grabbed one of the severed feet and hurled it into the face of another oncoming attacker blinding him as she skewered him like an undercooked shish ka bob. As she removed her sword she kicked out on of his feet from behind using the inevitable jet spray of blood to her advantage as it shot into the faces of more oncoming bowling ninja's almost like a red smoke screen.

Excels fish extended its blade to its full length as she whipped her sword through her blinded attackers. Excel pulled the metal baseball bat out from inside her hair and slammed it into the face of another attacking ninja braking his jaw. Fish in one hand and metal bat in the other, Excel struck slicing and bashing her many attackers. She swung the metal bat hitting another ninja in the face, the sound of cracking bone permeating the room as he flew down another bowling lane knocking down all the pins. The ninja with the grenade launcher attacked next Excel swung the fish around cutting the grenade in half. she then hurled the bat at him hitting him right in the nose knocking him off his feet.

Excel leapt grabbing onto a bamboo pole flipping up to the second floor as more of them came charging at her. One of the bowling ninja's was already up there , he blew into the end of his pin, like Jade Fox's special blowgun from crouching tiger hidden dragon, dozens of poison needles began to shoot out of it. Excel moving her fish lightning fast parrying all the needles, catching one right before it hit her in the face she hurled it back at him striking him dead on in his most sensitive area. He screamed clutching his crotch area as he fell off the ledge.

About seven more bowling ninja ran up the stares facing her with their swords drawn. One of them had a light saber. For some reason it stopped being black & white and the lights went out. They attacked swinging their Katanas, Excel swung her fish around slicing off someone's head and cutting off some else's arm. Before the lights came back on she had killed six of the seven, the last guy left was the one with the light saber. He was petrified with the blade of energy shaking slightly. Excel swung the fish and chopped off the tip of his energy blade. The tip of the light saber dropped to the floor burning a hole in it. She swung it several more times , each time cutting off a bit more of the supposedly indestructible light saber blade until it was down to the hilt. He dropped it and began to run away but Excel grabbed him.

"Star wars geeks shouldn't fuck around with Yakuza! Now go home and wait for episode three!" With each word she had spanked him with her fish. Mortified and ashamed he ran away crying all the way back to the movie theater where he would wait for episode three.

Excel was about to go out again when suddenly the wall exploded, the red double sided bowling pin light sabers of Ballsbovski slicing apart everything in the room. Excel leapt over his attack landing on the railing. Ballsbovski followed, his huge armor clad form landing with enough force to shake the entire second floor. He separated his double light saber into two regular red light sabers. "Don't fuck with a star wars fan!" He began to attack with a flurry of blazing red slashes forcing Excel backwards parrying them all with her fish. He thrust one light saber foreword, the red energy blade burning through the support beam behind Excel, she ducked and brought her fish down slicing through his armor and both his legs. Ballsbovski screamed in pain, his huge armored body plummeting to the floor with a tremendous crash.

Excel then turned to face her fallen attackers. "Those of you lucky enough to still have your lives may take them with you! But leave any money or valuables you happen to be carrying behind, they belong to me now!" Hopefully this would be enough to pay for her plane trip out of Japan. "Except for you Translator girl! You stay right there!"

"Does that mean I can keep my money & valuables then?"

"No! Also five me that leash your wearing around your neck!"

"Why?"

"Just Because! Anyway I cut your arm off, I don't need a reason!"

All of Menchi's lackeys had been dealt with. All that was left was the top dog herself. When they had first met Excel had told Menchi that someday , when she needed to she would eat her, it was time to make good on that promise. Excel walked out to the back of the bowling alley expecting to find the typical sort of alley you would expect to find behind a bowling alley, but instead there was a traditional Japanese garden covered in snow as white as Menchi's fur. The only thing that looked out of place was a snowman with a carrot for a nose off tot he side of the garden. In the middle of the courtyard Menchi sat waiting, the white snow falling on her equally white fur

"Arf, Arf Arf arf arf?"

"Okinawa" Excel answered

"Arf Arf?"

"This is the Ukulele guys fish."

"ARF ARF!"

Excel turned the fish to show the disbelieving Menchi the carving of the lioness of the fish's head as it elongated into a long blade.

"Arf arf, arf arf arf, arf arf!" Menchi had a point, she had used up quite allot of energy fighting her lackeys. She'd have to be careful in this fight, Menchi may have been a little dog who looked like a little cat, but she was one of Illpalatzo's top assassins, she was no slouch with a sword and the best dog Excel had ever seen use a mini gun.

Excel took a step foreword getting into a battle stance holding her fish ready to strike. Menchi reached behind her back and pulled out the same huge sword she had used on Rikudo in the previous chapter. Menchi also assumed a battle stance. The two of them slowly began to circle each other looking for a weakness in the others stance. Menchi was the first to move taking advantage of her small size aiming to take out Excels legs. Excel leapt over Menchi's strike landing behind her, she was about to bring her fish down , when Menchi using her other hand whipped out a huge mini gun from seemingly nowhere. Excel dodged as Menchi let loose a hale of armor piercing shells which completely demolished the snowman and several trees. Excel dodging and parrying the blasts began to move in for the kill. When she got close enough she swung her fish again. Menchi parried with her huge sword knocking Excel back. Excel not giving Menchi a chance to use the mini gun again rebounded back on Menchi slashing, Menchi blocked with the mini gun which was instantly cut in half. Menchi discarded the huge weapon tossing it aside and began to go on the offensive attacking Excel with her huge sword while taking advantage of her small size to avoid Excels attacks. Excel leapt over another one of Menchi's attacks , but she didn't turn around in time to attack. Menchi struck first slashing her across the back. Excel fell to the ground in pain, she couldn't die like this, not after all that had happened.

"Arf arf arf, arfarfarf arf arf.....ARf arf arf..."

Menchi's words stung as much as the sword wound, she had to get up. Excel stood and attacked again meeting Menchi blow for blow. With one swift motion she cut off the end of Menchi's tail, red blood staining her snow-white fur.

Menchi backed off a bit "Arf arf....arf arf arf...."

breathing heavily Excel said "Accepted....."

As the two of them got their bearings they both prepared to attack again.

"Ready?"

"Arf!"

The two of them clashed again, Menchi ran behind a fence with Excel on the other side following, as soon as they reached the other end they clashed again. Excel broke through Menchi's defenses and a pair of white ears flew across the courtyard landing in the snow.

"Arf, arf arf arf .....arf arf arf arf....."

Subtitle: If you're going to eat me do it quickly..... before this flesh becomes too tough....

Menchi's sword fell to the snow as Menchi dropped to her knees and then toppled over falling into the snow.

Exhausted from battle Excel sat down on a snow covered wooden bench.

Later

Menchi's translator girl sat in the hospital. Behind her stood Illpalatzo "My dear Translator girl....look what she's done to you!"

"I'm sorry for my betrayal....."

"Don't worry about that, I'm only sorry for what she's done to my beautiful brilliant....what was your name again? It is rather a hassle to just refer to you as the Translator girl."

"My name is (bleep)"

"How annoying, I really wish they would stop bleeping out peoples names, anyway if you had to guess why she left you alive what would be your guess?"

"Guessing won't be necessary, she informed me."

Flashback

"I'll allow you to keep your wicked life for three reasons. One, I want information on Illpalatzo and the other assassins. Two I want you to tell him in person everything that happened here tonight. I want him to witness the extent of my mercy by seeing your deformed body! I want him to know, I want them all to know that they will soon be as dead, and possibly as well cooked as Menchi! And thirdly, I know with all that blood you have, you'd leave a lot of stains in my trunk...."

The Translator girl speaking in dog began to insult Excel "Arf Arf Arf!"

"If your going to speak in dog I'll have to get you fixed!" Excel said pulling out her veterinary kit.

"Wait! I'll talk! Just don't have me fixed!"

End Flashback

Meanwhile

Excel sat down by the window with her fish. Behind her a man with an anti tank gun and a women with a battle ax were playing cards. She remembered the words of the Ukulele guy.

"Revenge is never a straight line, and often times it is best served with pinto beans & muffins."

She crossed off the first name on her "Death list five"

"What's that list?" asked the person sitting across from her.

"Oh just some things I need to pick up at the grocery store when I get home." She went down the list remembering her adversarys.

Somewhere in the southwest of America by a crappy trailer

A Puchu wearing a cute cowboy hat suddenly switched from cute to Manly puchu mode "That women deserves her revenge....and we...we deserve to die."

Somewhere else

Kobayashi dialed 0 on her cell phone and then said "She must suffer to her last breath!"

"Uhhh....I don't know what your talking about I'm the operator....."

"Oh sorry, can you connect me to Puchu Budd's number?"

Lastly she remembered Illpalatzo

"How did you find me?"

"I'm the man...."

"You know dumb pick up lines like that were one of the reasons I left you for Key."

Excel was shaken from her flashback as someone said "Wow that's a really cute hat!"

It was Sakaki, Chiyo and Tomo from Azumanga Daioh.

"Where can I get a cute hat like that?" Sakaki asked.

"Well, you see it's like this..." Excel started. After Excel finished telling them where the cute dog ear hat came from Sakaki had fainted, Chiyo looked severely traumatized and Tomo was laughing.

Back at the hospital

"One more thing, does Excel know that her daughter is still alive?"

To be continued in Kill Illpalatzo Vol 2


End file.
